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My Traumatic Childhood

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I know that I seem to jump around on topics in regards to this particular blog, but really, that’s the point. This blog is meant to be a diary of sorts–a reaction to the events of the past week. And, this week, I’ve been watching a lot of videos about narcissists. And, that stuck with me. I realized that this information may factor into my traumatic childhood.

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I have watched videos on this topic before. However, it wasn’t until recently that I really began to see how my mother had narcissistic traits. And, that I have traits of someone who was raised by a narcissist. Now, I want to say, first of all, that I am not diagnosing my mother with narcissistic personality disorder. For all I know, she was the one raised by a narcissist, and she just took on some of the traits because that was what she learned. I do not know what her childhood was like, but I do know that alcoholism runs on both sides of my family.

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Now, I am not discounting the trauma that either of my parents went through, but I only have limited insight into their exact experiences–I need to focus on myself and understanding my experience.

One thing that is very triggering for me is to not feel heard. This is something that I’ve known about myself for some time, but I only realized why this was the case recently. I never felt heard growing up. I was never allowed to talk back or talk about how I felt. I had to respect and obey no matter what. If I did something my mother disagreed with, even as an adult, there were consequences. I was shamed for having opinions that were different to the point that I didn’t know who I was at all. I ultimately had to leave home and distance myself from my family, cutting off some of my family members altogether, to figure out who I was.

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